Day one friends
Why they don't last In the context of Rizq (Sustenance) and change
Whilst catching up with an old friend over dinner the topic of day one friends popped up as I stuffed my face with prawn biryani. I felt shame when I heard the name of a former friend, some things in life are too painful to speak of and friendship PTSD is a real thing for many. I brushed past the topic as quickly as I could because there is some stigma around not being able to hold onto day one friends.
Change is constant, Rizq (sustenance) comes to us when we need it and leaves us when its purpose has been served. This is with everything in life, the job, the pet, the marriage and the friend. For some, sustenance is long lasting until death catches up with you and for others Rizq arrives for only a season.
My former 20 something year old brain would not be able to fathom what I have just written. The problem I find now is that when you elevate your nafs (self, soul, or psyche) it’s hard to have these conversations with people that know a past version of you that no longer exists. As humans we grow through our experiences, and that’s the whole point. Not all of us have the same life path or linear living, we grow upwards, downwards, sideways and apart. Our thought processes, wants and needs change over time as we evolve.
It’s very easy to look down on the person that doesn’t have day one friends, but as a elevated Muslim who has taken many tests, I’ve come to realise you can’t always be too frank when people can’t meet you where you’re at.
Explaining Rizq (sustenance) to people that should know better can be frustrating but then I have to remind myself as a Muslim this comes in stages and so I have to practice grace.
Rizq (sustenance) is often mistaken for money, but actually true wealth can look like, the friend, the pet, the family, the spouse, a stress free job and water running through your taps. Whatever your sustenance is it will see you through lifes trials and tribulations, sometimes you won’t even realise what is sustaining you but it will sustain you as long as you need it.
Sustenance in the form of friendship provides emotional and social support during difficult times, helping to alleviate stress and anxiety. This support can be crucial for mental well-being, something money cannot buy.
However:
'“People normally show their true colours when you’re in need of help or facing a crisis. Remember, fair-weather friends are aplenty. The hang around you in good times. Their true nature is never shown or disclosed until times of trouble. You’ll know your true friends then.” Mufti Menk
The above quote from Mufti Menk might seem cliche to some but it will ring true to many especially those that felt the rapid change in their address books after a bereavement, when the social support falls off because you’re no longer fun to be around and in the words of my former friend in the midst of my grief, “you’re not the only one that has experienced a tragedy” And off she went to comfort a housemate she’s known for all of 5 minutes because she was cheated on. While I mourned the loss of my mother to cancer within a 6 week diagnosis window. A slap in the face when I think of all the hard times I saw her through. It’s not what I wanted to hear from this former friend at the time, what I needed was her presence, but the empathy wasn’t there because it was not in my Rizq to receive it.
When I was hosting my podcast Bereavement Room I shared that legacy friendships are not always keepers, this resonated hard with hundreds of grievers who wrote in letters and commented on the IG post sharing their own experiences.
There is no truer fact that you will come to know who your real friends are in your time of need, some will show their arses, some will show up initially and others will fade into the background, and the day ones you thought that would respond empathically will abandon you for people they’ve known for all of five minutes.
I’m not here to dig up the past because doing that can cause more harm than good, in islam we say, let it go because the past is in the past and you can’t change it. However I know one of my readers will ask was that the final straw, no because we carried on with our friendship for two years after, moments were had and memories were made, but I never forget what people say to me.
The cracks were there long before my mothers death, they went unaddressed, proximities changed and life paths took different roads. Allah removes people from your life when they have served their purpose, hence abrupt endings.
The other thing I have reflected on when it comes to former day one friendships, the sustenance arrived when I needed and showed it’s arse in my saddest moments. Besides the fact everyone wants to be your friend when you’re successful, fun and happy.
As you grow older you will wish some day ones were sustainable that they had lasted the test of time and that will make you sad as you gain mental clarity and maturity to see things differently.
Organic bonds and family ties that saw you through seasons of life will inevitably hurt when you reflect back on sustenance you had in a chapter of your life that no longer exists. but as long as you understand the point of Rizq (sustenance) you will be ok.
Rizq looks different on everyone, humans often grapple with this because societal norms and expectations, envisioned hopes and dreams that are not actually a part of your life journey are removed as a divine protection. This can be a hard pill to swallow due to the nature of being human in the dunya, what sustains one person will not sustain another.
When you elevate your nafs, the journey of detachment begins and just like the song closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. Change is constant, you are where you are meant to be with whomever at this point in time.
I don’t put a lot of weight on friendships anymore, but there is something special about experiencing day one friendships that were built on organic bonds during your coming of age and growing pains, when paths randomly crossed on a rainy day. I’m grateful I experienced this Rizq when I needed it in my life, it served its purpose until it no longer did, because change is constant when you are human in the dunya.
Ending on joy, June was my birthday month another year round the sun saw me celebrating in Verona, I saw the sights, volunteered at Juliets Club eyeopening letters from all over the world about people cheating on one another, heartbreak and longing for true love whilst I devoured pizza, gnocchi, and pasta, followed by indulging in coffee creams and gelato. It was fab!
As we enter the height of summer 2025, the engine I built for Autistic people will see me busy in between dips in the pool, ice cream, family time and an overdue visit from Switzerland.
I hope your summer is filled with the goodness of sustenance.
Until next time Jzk, Ciao!
Cx